Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Something a Little Different

I am postponing this Wooing Wednesday's post to next week with two reviews.  Today has been a difficult day for me.  I have tried to not outwardly show my feelings today.  My Bibi passed away 3 years ago today.  She suffered from a cruel disease - dementia.  It not only stole her life but her memories leaving a shell of a person we once loved.  She was one of those people who would feed and clothe anyone who needed it, and had the most infectious laughter and best hugs.  Now that she is gone I try and laugh without inhibitions and hug like it's the last one I got.  I will always give because I don't know any other way.  I don't know if someone will be crazy enough to marry me and/or if I will have kids but I will make sure she is known to the future generation. She wasn't famous but every day she woke up she did miraculous things.  With the help of my parents she made sure I made it in one piece through my klutzy life, she was able to get my cousin, H (He's shy so won't say his name) and to be close, and she gave me a cousin, Jessie, who is my soul mate whether we want it or not.  SO today I am celebrating her...

For Punjab Grewal - you allowed me to soar.

Every day I search for you
because my heart is lost.
I cannot find love or laughter
What was once everything
means nothing now
Tears fall for my sadness
I can't breathe for you not here.

Every day I search for you
and I find you in my heartbeat,
breath, laugh and tears.
You made me whole
with your hugs and caresses
you made me great
with your words and love
you made me love
because you always loved me.

To Ariya and Gavin - You have a beautiful bright guardian angel.

Dear Beebs,

It is three years today since I lost you physically.  It has been longer since you left us for other memories.  The hardest time in my life was looking into your eyes and not seeing myself through your eyes.  Since I can first remember you I remember your smile.  You would see and rush towards me smiling and laughing, gather me into your arms and hug me like I will never see you again.  For those moments I never felt more loved by anyone.  I would see how you saw me - as this princess who would find her prince and live happily ever after.  And, I have always wanted you to see me walk into the sunset with my prince and love my prince as I love him.  Then I would save the world from boredom with my Pulitzer Prize novel.

I have so many wonderful fabulous memories of you, me, the family...and it forms a huge lump in my throat and I want to cry until I can't anymore.  I knew you were a big part of me, but I didn't know how much I would miss you.  You have always been there.  I tried to prepare myself for your passing but I don't think I ever understood that concept.  You are not here to ask me if it's time for us to go to bed, or for you to scold me to get married so you can see my children, you are not here to call me on my birthday or Christmas.  There are no more girls only sleepovers or going to see Hindi films where you shush me.

Yet I am thankful for every moment we spent together.  The day I dislocated my knee at the bookstore was the best thing that could happen to me as I got to spend 24/7 with you - arguing, laughing and watching Supernatural. I even don't mind you inferring that I am a nerdy spinster when you asked me if I was reading for my own amusement.  Because you still loved me as I am.

Did I tell you I loved you more than myself and as much as my mom and dad? Did I let you know you made me feel special? Did I share with you the fact I am a writer because you are a storyteller? Did I mention the best of me is from you?  If I didn't please know from the bottom of my heart...there is no me without the heart of you.

You are gone.  I can never get over that.  I let myself fall because I lost my structure, but I am rebuilding again so I can be everything you dreamed for me.  I am going to be okay now.  Keep visiting me in my dream because those are the moments that get me through days like today.  In case you are wondering - we are okay.

Always loved.
Never forgotten.


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