Monday, 7 March 2016

Free Flow Writing: Love and Widowhood

My maternal grandmother, who we called Bibi, was married just before her twenties and had seven children with my grandfather before becoming a widow in her thirties.  I just turned 35 and am still not married and can barely remember to feed my fish. I've dated very little, unlike Bibi who dated not at all, and fell in love for the first time 4 years ago.  Just as I was falling love, I was also losing one of the most important people in my life.  One day she was telling me, I should marry soon as she wants to see my children, and the next day she can't remember me.  That is a punch to the gut that keeps coming. Dementia is a really son of a bitch.  I didn't lose a grandparent...I lost one of my best friends.  She died and my heart broke and I could not see the good I used to.  But you have to move on, right? Wake up, go to work, be happy and cherish the moments you have.  I had her for 31 years and it was not nearly enough.  She had my grandfather for a decade and a bit and was a hard core widow for over 40 years.  How do you miss someone for 40 years...keep living your life?  If you love the other people in your life you keep breathing and limp along.
Like Grant and Hepburn in B&W

As I said before I haven't dated a lot...and being a bit older when I started dating I knew what I did not want so often did not make it to the second date.  I have rarely invested my heart because I don't want to feel the loss but I don't think I am made to love more than one man in my lifetime.  For a girl who doesn't make it to the second date very often, I am actually a big romantic.  I met a boy...we became friends as we were too busy with work to meet up...I date another boy it fizzles out in 6 months...boy is still there and it makes you happy...boy and girl meet on Remembrance day...fall in love slowly and are dating. He comes to my cousin's wedding and I go with him to the hospital when his niece is born.  We laugh and argue and make up every time.  But what if one day we don't? What if he leaves - voluntarily or not? How do I move on from that? Other than my hand in marriage I have given all I can give to this boy and the thought of not having him is not something I can really contemplate.  Like Bibi, I don't see myself just moving on to another boy.  Is it wrong to mourn a relationship that wasn't a marriage? If I can't replace my grandmother, how can I replace true love? And why should we?

(Work in Progress - will update)

k (My Novelesque Life)

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