Monday, 7 March 2016

Nine of Ten People

Question I was pondering earlier this week...why is it that nine people can tell you what an amazing person you are -inside and out- but the one person who doesn't feel that way is the opinion we waste valuable time thinking about?

I have to say that I have truly amazing women in my life who make me proud to know them and be a part of their life.  While I have always been able to make friends easily I didn't necessarily keep them or value them as I should have.  The psych major in me has diagnosed it as abandonment issues leading to issues of intimacy.  To protect myself I always kept my distance and not fully allowed myself to engage.  Most people soon grow tired of it and walk away - and thus, I was right along.  Then I met my bestie - who I won't name as she hates the spotlight. She knows almost all my flaws and is still here.  If I grow distant she gives me space and then tells me to snap out of it when I have brooded too long.  She won't let me think bad about myself in any way or let me encourage ideas of failure.  She is always on my side of even "it's totally my fault" or I am totally being judgy.  She builds up my confidence by always letting me know she is happy to have me in her life, and reassures me we will be friends forever.  She is the reason I have let my guard down with people more often.  And, since I have known her my relationship with my cousin, who has always been my main F4EVA, has deepened with greater trust and openness.
How we imagine we look while chatting!

Now I have these amazing women in my life - mentors, co-workers, book soul mates, long distant connections -  who I have connected with personally and as myself (rather than this character I hope to portray).  They have made me feel special in a world I feel very small in.  They believe I can accomplish things that terrify me. They compliment parts of me I have tried to hide, and honestly they want me to see me shine.  Without them I wouldn't even try to write or try and become the best person I can be.  It's nice to have them in this crazy world where people are often pitted against each other rather than build each other up and working as a team.

Yet, I have people in my life - who I have let in my heart - that point out my imperfections.  Faults I see in myself and now have been said out loud by someone else.  Some I trust and love.  They see the flaws and want me to iron them out.  They see my weaknesses and use it to make me small.  This discourages me and makes me want to hide.  It motivates me to change myself to something this small group wants me to be.  It frustrates and saddens me when I let them down.  Doubts, self-loathing, and destruction begin to surface.  The worst of it is that I get this need to climb back into the ring where I just took a beating and use those nasty tactics to win.  Win for what reason? That I am a good person?
Me Brooding

As I try to attain the acceptance of that one person out of nine who am I impressing? Who am I hurting?  Where does it get any of us? Just something I thought about last Saturday and again today which is a repeat of last Saturday.  A thought hopefully floated out of my head for awhile now that I have written it down...because it sure is not going to change that one person out of nine.  And, here is a (pumpkin chai) teacup raised to the nine who will read this and give me a hug and then a light slug to the arm (virtual or not) and say - You are great so fucking snap out of it. 

k (My Novelesque Life)

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