To Ariya and Gavin - You have a beautiful bright guardian angel.
is three years today since I lost you physically. It has been longer
since you left us for other memories. The hardest time in my life was
looking into your eyes and not seeing myself through your eyes. Since I
can first remember you I remember your smile. You would see and rush
towards me smiling and laughing, gather me into your arms and hug me
like I will never see you again. For those moments I never felt more
loved by anyone. I would see how you saw me - as this princess who
would find her prince and live happily ever after. And, I have always
wanted you to see me walk into the sunset with my prince and love my
prince as I love him. Then I would save the world from boredom with my
Pulitzer Prize novel.
I have so many wonderful fabulous
memories of you, me, the family...and it forms a huge lump in my throat
and I want to cry until I can't anymore. I knew you were a big part of
me, but I didn't know how much I would miss you. You have always been
there. I tried to prepare myself for your passing but I don't think I
ever understood that concept. You are not here to ask me if it's time
for us to go to bed, or for you to scold me to get married so you can
see my children, you are not here to call me on my birthday or
Christmas. There are no more girls only sleepovers or going to see
Hindi films where you shush me.
Yet I am thankful for
every moment we spent together. The day I dislocated my knee at the
bookstore was the best thing that could happen to me as I got to spend
24/7 with you - arguing, laughing and watching Supernatural. I even
don't mind you inferring that I am a nerdy spinster when you asked me if
I was reading for my own amusement. Because you still loved me as I
Did I tell you I loved you more than myself and as
much as my mom and dad? Did I let you know you made me feel special? Did
I share with you the fact I am a writer because you are a storyteller?
Did I mention the best of me is from you? If I didn't please know from
the bottom of my heart...there is no me without the heart of you.
are gone. I can never get over that. I let myself fall because I lost
my structure, but I am rebuilding again so I can be everything you
dreamed for me. I am going to be okay now. Keep visiting me in my
dream because those are the moments that get me through days like
today. In case you are wondering - we are okay.