Monday, 7 March 2016

To My Beloved Beebs - A Late Letter to You

To Ariya and Gavin - You have a beautiful bright guardian angel.

Dear Beebs,

It is three years today since I lost you physically.  It has been longer since you left us for other memories.  The hardest time in my life was looking into your eyes and not seeing myself through your eyes.  Since I can first remember you I remember your smile.  You would see and rush towards me smiling and laughing, gather me into your arms and hug me like I will never see you again.  For those moments I never felt more loved by anyone.  I would see how you saw me - as this princess who would find her prince and live happily ever after.  And, I have always wanted you to see me walk into the sunset with my prince and love my prince as I love him.  Then I would save the world from boredom with my Pulitzer Prize novel.

I have so many wonderful fabulous memories of you, me, the family...and it forms a huge lump in my throat and I want to cry until I can't anymore.  I knew you were a big part of me, but I didn't know how much I would miss you.  You have always been there.  I tried to prepare myself for your passing but I don't think I ever understood that concept.  You are not here to ask me if it's time for us to go to bed, or for you to scold me to get married so you can see my children, you are not here to call me on my birthday or Christmas.  There are no more girls only sleepovers or going to see Hindi films where you shush me.

Yet I am thankful for every moment we spent together.  The day I dislocated my knee at the bookstore was the best thing that could happen to me as I got to spend 24/7 with you - arguing, laughing and watching Supernatural. I even don't mind you inferring that I am a nerdy spinster when you asked me if I was reading for my own amusement.  Because you still loved me as I am.

Did I tell you I loved you more than myself and as much as my mom and dad? Did I let you know you made me feel special? Did I share with you the fact I am a writer because you are a storyteller? Did I mention the best of me is from you?  If I didn't please know from the bottom of my heart...there is no me without the heart of you.

You are gone.  I can never get over that.  I let myself fall because I lost my structure, but I am rebuilding again so I can be everything you dreamed for me.  I am going to be okay now.  Keep visiting me in my dream because those are the moments that get me through days like today.  In case you are wondering - we are okay.

Always loved.
Never forgotten.


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