Wednesday, 18 May 2016

Free flow: essay about me (draft)

Recently I have been reading nonfiction books about women, feminism and empowerment.  It was not something I planned to do, but as I came across them I was drawn to reading them. Three years ago, my grandmother, Bibi passed away.  A part of me died with her.  I know that sounds SO dramatic and a statement very overused.  I wish I could say it was me being showy.  She died and a big part of who I am and how I see myself positively went with her.  That same year, I was laid off from my job and things with the guy I was dating were up in the air.  Bibi's biggest disappointment in me was that I wasn't married.  She would always talk about my wedding day and how it would be one of the happiest days of her life.  I thought I had so much time to give her that wish.  She was always my biggest fan.  I lost myself.  I lost who I was and who I wanted to be.  I saw failure.  I was not the person I wanted to be at 35.  I hadn't achieved what I wanted to.  And, feeling that way I let other people's expectations also weigh on me.  I let others paint me in a corner and just gave up.

I give a good face for being cheery and laid back and am Bette Davis-level actress at making my life seem like it's fabulous.  I'm happy and never freak out.  2009-2012 I had a job I would have stayed at for the rest of my life.  I loved everyone I worked with especially my manager, team lead and partner.  Commuting 3 hours a day did not get me down.  Big challenges at work only made me strive harder.  Then changes came, my grandmother became sicker so I needed a change.  A job that was closer to where she resided.  I put a lot of what I am worth in what I do.  Working auxiliary hours at a job that doesn't use any of my potential makes me feel weak.  Anyway, blah blah blah, not really rah rah rah.

I'm an only child so feeling alone sometimes sucks.  Even with all the lovely people in my life I felt alone.  Reading about other women - their failures and/or successes - made me feel less alone.  I get told sometimes I am too sensitive and I am always fighting causes that I can't personally fix and get too involved in.  Injustice of any kind riles me up.  I know, me alone, makes no difference to the cause. I don't have grand plans to change the world, realistically.  Yet, I do hope that I light a fire in someone that can.  Reviewing books and writing my ramblings - they don't make me money or give the successful sticker, but it's something I am good at and can strive to be better at.  I am hoping my hard work ethic can be seen someone and I get a chance to show what I can do.

The point of this rambling? I was completely lost and now I see a bit of the light in this maze of life.  I am reading a lot of feminist stuff not to get a hate on men, but to empower my own potential and see where I can go if there are no limits put on us.  I am trying to see myself...through Bibi's eyes and what I want.  I can't live by how others' think I have failed.  I realize I am 35 - not married.  I'm not an easy person to love, and I saw that with honesty and realism (not a putdown), and be with so that someone I marry has to have that extra love that I sometimes forget to give myself.   More explanation on this later....

I am not an open person.  I give things in snippets enough to think you know me.  I like that control and I have known nothing else.  But fuck it, it's the internet can just google shit now.  SO be VERY aware...non-book posts may cause you to know me too much...never Kardashian-much, but you will find out that love Nicholas Sparks books and the way they make me cry like those dang Hallmark movies!


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