Friday, 24 June 2016

Free Flow: Worth

While I never watched American Idol, I have loved Kelly Clarkson's personality and songs since her first album.  She has a beautiful voice and a talent for songwriting.  I watched the video of her performing for the last time on American Idol and the song she sang blew me away.  The song is Piece by Piece and it is about a woman coming to terms with her father not being there as she now sees how a good man, her husband, treats her and her daughter - like they are the most precious thing in the world.  Seeing her sing this song and tear up brought tears to my own eyes.  But for me this song had a different personal meaning (as I have not found what Kelly is luck to have). Sorry, Kelly if I am butchering your song...

Piece By Piece


And all I remember is your back
Walking towards your car, leaving us all in your past
I traveled fifteen hundred miles to see you
BEGGED you to want me, but you didn't want to

But piece by piece she collected me
Up off the ground where you abandoned things, yeah
Piece by piece she filled the holes
That you burned in me at seven years old
And you know,
She never walks away
She never asks for money,
She takes care of me
She loves me
Piece by piece she restored my faith
That a woman can be kind and a grandma could... stay

And all of your words fall flat
You lost all of your stuff and now you wanna come back
But your love—it isn't free, it has to be earned
Back then I didn't have anything you needed so I was WORTHLESS

But piece by piece she collected me
Up off the ground, where you abandoned things, yeah
Piece by piece she filled the holes
That you burned in me at seven years old
And you know,
She never walks away
She never asks for money,
She takes care of me
'Cause she loves me
Piece by piece she restored my faith
That a woman can be kind and a grandma could stay

Piece by piece [6x]

Piece by piece I fell far from the tree
I will never leave her like you left me
And she will never have to wonder her worth
Because unlike you I'm going to put her first
And you know,
She never walked away,
She never broke her heart
She took care of things,
She loved me
And piece by piece she's still restoring my faith
That a woman can be kind and a grandma should be great
 
 
What only close people know about me is...I have two grandmothers.  One is my beautiful generous maternal grandmother, Bibi and the other is my paternal grandmother, Granny.  I was closest to Granny in my earliest years.  I want to be just like her and saw her most weekends...until I never saw her again (willingly on her part).  For over 20 plus years I wondered what I did wrong and how I became so unlovable to her?  Was it because I wasn't pretty, or smart enough? Was it because I didn't pray hard enough for a brother? Or, was it just me?  Then my Bibi got dementia and that's a killer to your heart.  She's there physically but no matter how hard she tries - and she tried - she could not always remember me.  She didn't see me and light up because she was happy to see me.  She didn't give me bear hugs and push my hair back.  She didn't laugh or hold my hand.  THAT THERE IS LOSS.  HEARTBREAK.  TOTAL DEVASTATION.  With Granny I was missing something that wasn't there.  It wasn't about me but what I could give her.  I was not worth anything to her and that is fine.  It's her life and decision.  It is only months before my 36th birthday and I realize that.  I didn't lose anything with losing Granny...I lost everything when I lost Bibi.  So don't cry out of sadness because I never had my Granny's love...cry out happiness because I was so unconditionally loved by Bibi.

Thanks Kelly Clarkson for this amazing song that reminded me what I had...and will always have.

k

2 comments:

  1. That is one of my favorite Kelly Clarkson songs. I saw her in concert last summer and she sang it, and we watched her on American Idol and I bawled my eyes out when she sang it there. And now you've brought tears to my eyes with your version and story (thanks a lot! 😉).

    Beautiful words, Kris! I'm so glad you had Bibi, and she was lucky to have you.

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  2. See another thing in common! Thank you so much, Monica! Yeah I was bawling when I heard her sing this song and realized how it applied to me. I wrote this in part to let go of the negative. (BTW, I had gooosebumps just hearing you heard this song live!) <3

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