Monday, 20 June 2016
To JA and MB - my squad for life!
I hate confrontations so many times I will sweep a lot things past me, and outwardly agree when I really do not think it is right. I want to please people and have them like me...even those people I don't like so well. Then my relationship with my boyfriend got me thinking. And, when I was sexually harassed at a job I was thinking of taking, I left that situation, but I didn't do anything about it. When people make negative remarks about race, gender, sexual orientation I change the subject. I don't address my feelings. I am so busy making sure others are feeling comfortable that I put my own self in turmoil. I let my values, and essentially my worth aside. My boyfriends says I try and save the world but can't save myself...why can't I save us all? What I got thinking was I do need to save myself first. I need to stand up for what I believe in and not have the worst thing about me be the thing that holds me back. And, not let what others think of me hold me back.
The worst thing about me - now here is an invitation to tear me down - is something I keep a secret from most outside my circle. Maybe revealing it will bite me in the ass, but I can't let it hold me back anymore. So here is the truth some will judge me harsh for revealing...something I should be ashamed about and I'm not. To hold it as a secret only gives it power in a negative form. Those who think I should keep it hidden are worried for themselves and what it means that they associated with someone like me. I have a mental illness...I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder with a mild form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
I can talk to a roomful of people without a script or notes and not have stage fright, but thinking of making small talk with people, I don't want to have small talk with, makes me want to vomit. I don't like major changes and I cannot stand incompetency and laziness in myself or in others. I like things cleaned my way and the thought of pet hair freaks me out a bit. As much as you may ask I will always say no to staying at your house (in a very polite way, of course), because I have an irrational fear you will run out of toilet paper while in the bathroom, I also wonder how you clean your towels and sheets, and if I see a wash cloth half in the sink, damp (this is a real life situation I was in) I can't be anywhere near it. And, do not get me started on the tub/shower. Yet, I will never actually judge you on it, personally. I overthink everything, have a plan for almost everything, and have useless and useful trivia about random shit. I can tell when my stuff has been moved...and I will move it right back. Some days I find it hard to leave my house because I don't want to be around strangers. Unless I have hugged you, I don't like to be touched. Reading calms my mind. My Bibi calmed my mind. My boyfriend calmed my mind. And my cousin soothes my mind and makes me feel normal. A few close friend make it easier to breathe and still think I am normal. I have mild panic attacks that you won't see because I have myself trained to suffer them internally. I take a mild dose of anti-anxiety pills that clear my mind and make me deal with my problems. I used to take it all in and handle it all until I couldn't anymore. I physically broke and thought I was really sick. It was my mind making me deal with everything at once. Apparently, I am so OCD I can't even fall apart properly and feel to lazy to be depressed.
It can make me a hard person to be friends with. I can't always be there physically for you. I sometimes need to hide out that has no bearing on you. I am a difficult person to love - romantically and non-romantically. I sometime lose myself sometimes. When I get frustrated I take it out on you. But I have a lot of empathy and will do anything and everything I can to make sure you know you are an important person in my heart.
I find that in my thirties I am doing a lot of soul searching. Trying to find the good in me. 2007-2009 were years I broke down a bit and the following 5 years were great years as I began to open up a lot more. Then my grandma got dementia and soon passed away, I left a job I loved because I could not move any further, and was laid off from a job that was making me wonder my worth. I am in a job I care about and know so well, but it's not a living wage. BUT this year I really stood up for myself and beliefs. I am reading and reviewing what I want and engaging with like-minded people. I have this core circle of people that won't let me quit even if I wanted to...and a poor boyfriend who has to let me fly and see if he's ready to be stronger or if he needs a new path. I have not found my calling but I am also not dealing out. I have a LOT of baggage with me...I am a lot to take on...but no one works hard or to the degree I do when I am passionate about something. It's been six months into this project called me and it's going to take a lot more work than I thought but don't all renovations and repairs. Fail or succeed, I always survive and get back at it.