Sunday, 21 August 2016

Slight Hesitation...

Tonight I watched Episode One/ Season Two of Wallander and I found it very interesting so thought I would share my thoughts with you. In this episode Kurt Wallander meets his daughter, Linda's boyfriend, Jamal.  Jamal is an intern doctor and his family is from Syria.  Wallander asks Linda if his family is from here (Sweden) and she gives him a look that is priceless.  The next case that Kurt gets involves an elderly couple being murdered.  Her last words are to Kurt who think she said "foreigner".  Suddenly, this case is about race when "foreigner" is leaked to the press.  I won't get into it any further in case you want to see the show but it was a fascinating episode. Kurt does ask why it matters who Jamal is other than the man that makes his daughter smile.  At the end of the episode he is talking to a friend and admits that while Jamal is just the kind of man he would want his daughter with...he hesitated when he met him.

When I started dating the boyfriend I remember him telling me that his mother was worried for him dating me...because I was Punjabi.  What would my culture demand and how would we be treated along with our kids (turns out she saw a mixed child and my baby pictures so it's okay now).  And, I know both him and I get asked "how does her/your parents feel about you dating outside the culture."  People tend to forget that I was born and raised Canadian so I identify more with my peers than my background culture. 
Linda and Jamal
My parents never had a problem with me dating anyone as long as they had the same values and treated me right.  I grew up watching Hollywood and all my crushes in school were someone other than Punjabi. Guys I dated were interested in my background but because it was a part of me and they wanted it to be a part of them.  Even the boyfriend has been pretty good in trying to get to know that side of my life and has even (on his own) volunteered to go to a Sikh parade (even I don't attend).  In argument, shit gets said.  I try to let a lot of that "she said/he said" stuff roll off.  Sometimes, though I don't admit to out loud, I get a bit pissed when someone says something about the Punjabi culture. And, so when he said his mother always said warned him about my culture.  And, he admitted that a guy at work warned him off dating my kind. 

It's a bit weird knowing that my skin colour makes people hesitate.  I think to myself what is it about my kind that would scare people or make them want to hesitate.  I know we get a bad rep for not wanting to date out of culture, but when my family met Derek, they were more than welcoming.  I was on pins and needles because everyone was meeting him at my cousin's wedding in a Gurdwara.  My aunts and uncles were hugging him...like we were suddenly in a scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  I know we have a rep for father's bringing out their shotgun and getting their daughters married off to the first boy they speak.  My dad and my mom, hearing how I was being treated, was telling me there were other fish in the sea.  It is I who am clutching to the he's my first and forever.  While I haven't pushed for marriage - except the last year- I also don't want to stay stagnant.  For me to move in with him I feel I need a commitment.  I loaned him money to pay for every day stuff thinking I was investing in my future and saw it as a commitment to him.  I relaxed on some of my own beliefs to compromise to a new life.

 I cannot say I regret things, as I learned big lessons, but I also can't say I am glad I did it because of the consequences.  For example, hearing that your boyfriend's mom is "okay" with you being coloured and from an oppressive culture.  After awhile "your people" does get a bit on the nerve (even if not meant in malice, it's the "you are not like us").  I have to admit though, I was looking for her approval so I never spoke up, and even worse I would agree with things.  It wasn't all bad.  His aunt Colleen made up for everyone else.  She never asked me about my "culture" or anything to do with my race.  She was always complimenting me and making me feel good about myself.  She was the one who told Derek he had a keeper and should make things work.  She's the type of woman who is so non-judgemental that you can't help but admire. 

Sorry this turned out to be a ramble...just feeling a bit blue today.  I have not heard from Derek at all since the day I posted The Missing Boyfriend.  So we haven't technically broken up....we continue to be in this no man's land.  And, I am not sure what is going on - I have tried to contact him, but he's brooding.  Don't feel too sorry for him...he has company, I bet (more on her in another post).  Thanks to those who are reading this.  It gives me objective insight to my own life and I hope I can get stronger and demand what I am worth.  It also breaks the years of silence.  To keep silent about things has only made me sick because you can internalize so much.  I am also hoping that Derek can read this and see what exactly trying to say - it's not a blame game...it's this is how I feel how do WE fix it.  I invite him to share his feelings and what points I am missing. I have many flaws, that I know, lol.  Going to go start a new book...that always keeps the trembling hands busy.

Night <3

k (My Novelesque Life)


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