Monday, 15 August 2016

The Missing Boyfriend


You may or may not have noticed but on my various social media accounts there is a certain person missing...the boyfriend.  He has a Facebook account but uses it mostly to watch odd videos...and we are not FB friends (gasp)! To be honest, I was not much of a social media user until I started by blog last year.  It was only supposed to be a platform to "advertise" my posts, but once I opened up to myself and being authentic I found myself loving it.  It was social media that motivated my personal writing.  People were actually liking what I had to say and how I wrote it.  Soon, friends, coworkers, family, and my parents were starting to see me as more than a book reader.  The bf, unfortunately is not very supportive of this new turn in my life.

I do see his point about safety.  Putting my thoughts and pictures out there does open the door to people doing nefarious things.  I have done things that I regret in life but I stand by my mistakes and have tried to turn them into lessons learned.  And, after many years of keeping whatever secrets in my life, I have nothing to hide or be embarrassed about.  But he has the right to feel how he does so I will not be posting anything about him and him and I.

What I don't agree with him about is that putting myself, my book life, blog, pictures of mostly things I do and am proud of - makes me less special.  In his opinion, all one has to do is follow me on social media and they know me and my life.  Ergo, what about me would make me special to get to know? I am not a popular person on social media but people that follow me choose to do so because they have things in common with me or like what I have to say about books and other randoms things. 

When I met him, I had just broken up with an ex, and Bibi was delving further into dementia.  Then she died and I was laid off from work.   My dad and I have always had a complicated relationship and it was pretty complicated at that point.  My cousin,who is also my best friend, and I had a falling out for a few years. I lost myself - my confidence, my light and my voice. I needed someone to hold me up and get me day to day.  He was that person for me.  I can write a few posts on the wonderful person he is, but he won't let me (lol). He fell for that person and now 4 and half years later I am a bit of who I was before he met me, while we dated and who I am now.  I like me.  I am a bit heavier (physical) version of me but I finally found my voice. 


Now almost five years together - I might lose him because I might pick me over him this time.  I have given my all in this relationship - done things I might not have, given more than I have, been there for everything, always traveling to him and doing things his way, forgiven things I have not in the past with others, lent him money and having given up my opinions to keep peace.   Oh, and the thing I always dreaded - living with the "mother-in-law" is something I did because when I visit him I am visiting him at his mother's place...ie his bedroom and hobbies room (he is not Punjabi like me, but of a mix of European). He dislikes my blogging, social media, feminist thoughts, and that I often choose a book over exercising and dieting.  So we are in this holding period...where I am hoping that love conquers all and he can love me for me and build the future he promised me.  And he's hoping I change back or he will just move on to one the mistakes I forgave in the past.  Relationships and love are fucking complicated.  I just wanted to meet the Gilbert to my Anne - be in love, get married, have a kid or not and write something that means something - all before my thirties.  35 and waiting...sigh.

So this is it...the blog about the missing boyfriend, who will not be mentioned again as his right.  I wanted to set the record straight and I had one blog to do so.  AND REMEMBER this is through my lens and only my side of the story.  This is not post to get people on my side or about one of us being the bad guy.  This is my life..I chose it...and I am trying to live it as I can.  This is one blog I am not looking for comments, haha.

Night all.  Better press publish before we both chicken out.

k

4 comments:

  1. And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. - Elizabeth Appell or Anais Nin (I've seen it attributed to both). You have blossomed and never allow anyone to cause it to fade. Relationships are difficult at the best of times. Most of us would love to have a 'Gilbert' to our 'Anne', but even if Gilbert remains elusive, there is so much we can do for ourselves. I remember Anne as independent - with or without Gilbert.

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    1. First, than you for supporting my writing and taking the time to read and comment. I am very appreciative :)

      It's one of those mind versus heart things. I usually go with my head... Thank you for the wise words and I will take them to heart!

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  2. You continue to awe me. Thanks for being refreshingly honest and open. Most of what I see on social media barely goes below the person's surface...skin deep. You pierced through several layers and exposed your veins. Bravo for your courage. You're definitely someone from whom I'd crave more.

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    1. I have been super lucky that people -I know and don't know- have been so encouraging. Since I have been writing this blog I have been at peace with Bibi's passing. I feel her every day in my strength and honesty. And, friends like you surround me and make me realize I am good enough. I hope you know that your opinion means more to me than any one in the publishing world.

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