Wednesday, 17 August 2016

The Missing Boyfriend...Spotted

My boyfriend that takes two hours to respond to my "hi" text actually read my blog and supported me by commenting on my Instgram account with his point of view.  (I have not edited anything - left spelling as is):
She's right every situation has a story and this is mine...I don't normally do this but people close to me said I should have my peace!no I might seem like I don't want people in my life or to hear my side bit honestly I've been backed into a corner..the one girl I wanted to myself had my painted as this un..understanding male in her life which is a totally lie...the one who speaks of me now is not the one I fell in lone with....and yes I don't do the social media thing cause I think the world had enough on their plate! !! Then to have to deal with another couple fighting....don't get me wrong I loved this girl....not negative posts and all but just her...I'm not the guy to win everyone's hearts it was hers I was going for....relationships are hard enough...but to please everyone in life I'd hard....yes I'm still with my mother at home and she is sick unable to work...but why must that be a point one points out to make fun of me and or what type of man I could be??? There are txt I will not get into but I'm the most worst person but yet she wants to be with me......I'm her first but has called me I'm like every other guy...I'm can't love someone who I opened my life to only to make fun of every person I involved my life with trust wasn't good and I see what is out there now...I never didn't want her to do was the negativity from her in the writing I didn't like...I was willing 1.5 years ago to commit to her but when you txt hurtful things I'm only human and I will not get into that I was suppose to be your one and only why????

My response:
There you guys are the other side of the story...I'm hearing it for the first time. You mom broke her collarbone 13 years ago and if she goes back her pay will go down as her job had changed. I never knew she was sick and was unable to work. I'm very sorry to hear that. When we discussed marriage I wasn't aware we were going to be living with her. You always just said us. I also didn't know we were engaged 1.5 years ago. I must have missed the sparkler on my finger. Of course I said mean things in text...we are arguing...that's kind of the point. My point in the free flow essay...which yay you actually read 🙌🏽😊 was that I was lied to going into this relationship and no promises have been kept. And while working auxiliary hours I was supporting both of us on my savings. I have not just not had your support in my new career but put down for my weight,looks, culture and anxiety. I am not perfect as we all know but I put my heart on my sleeve and am honest as I can be and to fault to forgiving and fault myself a lot. I've forgiven cheating, aggression and being inserted into family situations that aren't mine. And even blamed myself for being less of a woman and gf. I wanted support for the things I am good and loved for myself even my flaws and my anxiety. I don't make fun of your situation of living with your mom because I know you are in debt, but that you don't let me help you figure out a way to save as I'm good that kind of stuff. Thank you for commenting on my post as j always appreciate when readers let me know what they think and my writing had moved them. 💕

 Yesterday, when I wrote my free flow piece, I did not really have any expectations when I wrote it - which is mostly what happens when I write these.  I wrote what I felt at that time because writing in free flow style is my most honest writing. I don't edit or censor myself. I am so used to not sharing anything and keeping my stuff to myself.  I have done so to the point where my emotions have turned into physical sickness.   My point in putting this on my blog, instead of just as a personal diary, is work on writing and myself.  I am not looking to be famous or sharing for the sake of getting people to feel bad for me (or side with me).  I am flawed.  I make mistakes.  I say things I don't mean when I feel hurt, angry or frustrated.  I can be judgemental on certain things.  I see more of my bad than good, one hurtful comment tears down the million compliments that built my confidence.  SO, having a response to my post thrills me because I get a response that is cemented.

When I visit the boyfriend, I also see his mother - it has been a different experience for me.  I, too live with my parents, but he has only met them about 6 times - two being a wedding and funeral.  My parents and I are close but they have their own stuff going on especially now that my dad had retired and they are always off on some adventure or landscaping.  I spent most of my time driving to the boyfriend's house.  His mom rents most of the upstairs with the boyfriend having two of the four rooms and use of kitchen and bathroom.  Most of our time was spent in one room when we were at home.  Because the boyfriend's mom does not work she too was home a lot of the time.  Therein lies the "three's company" thing.  When you date a guy you go out of your way to be kind to his mother, laugh at her jokes, hold your tongue at comments you don't agree with and NEVER tell your boyfriend the things she says about him.  My parents will tell you the truth about me, but actually think what they are saying is always good - and they will usually say it to my face, lol. We have had an interesting lives the three of us - good and bad - but we made the choices we did and that is on us.  The boyfriend's mother liked me and felt at ease I guess because she would tell me everything.  It got to a point where it became a bit uncomfortable being alone with her.  She would tell me things and the boyfriend would tell me something else.  It became a game of who was I to trust.  Seeing her every time I saw him, and him telling her everything we do, it was like being in a relationship with two people.  Which you think being Indian I would totally understand.  I am only child that has been around more adults than kids.  I like my own space and time.  The one awesome thing about my parents is that I can have an off day walk in look at them and then go to my space.  When I ready to see people they are there for me.  When I get home after dealing with people for 8 hours I need quiet time.  When I went to visit my boyfriend I had to be social because it is not just him.  And, because it's not your parent they are not going to be as forgiving.  And, I will probably be over the next day so I cannot avoid it.

Almost everyone in my family has lived with their mother-in-law.  Even my cousins from my generation.  After hearing about my own paternal grandmother's treatment of my mom and aunt, I was very sure I did NOT want a live-in mom.  My aunts and mom would cluck and say, "you have to, we did." HA! Darn, they were right...and darn, so was I.  Not that the boyfriend's mother is not a good person.  It's the lack of privacy and having a whole space to yourself.  When we met - I was in my early 30s and had some rules.  Non-smoker, saving for future, and must live alone.  It wasn't until our date (and we were friends for a year) that I discovered his mom lived with him.  It was the my mom is a widow and needs to share rent.  By date 4 - on her telling of the story - it was the boyfriend living with her because she was on disability and he never moved out - and both lived paycheck to paycheck.  So okay, I should have gotten smart then.  But of course being Indian, and having two parents who were in their 60s and I fully intend to care for if/when they needed it, who I to judge.  See what non-judging can lead to?! There was then a plan...he would move out, we'd get engaged and find a place and happily ever after, ta-da! Instead 4.5 years later we are in the same boat.  I did not foresee me losing my job so the money I saved for a down payment was now living expenses.  And, him staying at my place to save rent was not an option he wanted.  As much I love him, staying on at his place paying rent would never work.  Due to my phobia of other's housecleaning and sinking money into rent instead of saving we are at an impasse.  Since December 2015, I have refused to stay over there.  I want change.  I want to progress into the future.  I want to not drive there and back every weekend and not have it being seen as not being motivated, but rather I want more compromise.  I also just want to be in a relationship with the boyfriend.  If he's not dating my parents I feel I should not have to date his.  When "I'm going to tell my mom what you just said.  My mom and brother don't like... My mom says I can do better... If I tell my mom she won't like you..." becomes an actual statement from someone's mouth....TIME TO THINK who am I in a relationship with and even the comment above from his at his mother's urging.

As I write this free flow rant...and I am thinking of my friends reading this - some that I have never told some of this stuff to...I am a bit embarrassed.  For so long I have avoided saying I am a feminist because I felt I wasn't good enough for the title.  And when I got to the point I could say that I fell in love and let it consume me - like I'm living in a Twilight series.  He thinks I have let feminism turn me into a shrew and I am not agreeable and shoot off my mouth (which I do - a lot).  I lived the responsible be good life until I reached 30, and seem to be making mistakes I should have made as a teen and 20s now.  I can just ask my friends to be patient and I WILL figure my shit out...I just hope I can still have your respect at the end of this tunnel.



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