Wednesday, 24 August 2016
Update: The Missing Boyfriend...Time seems to make it worse
God, I am turning into the Taylor Swift of writing. Well, I have only written about one boyfriend, and only because I have been second, third guessing my feelings...this free flow ramble actually relieves my anxious feelings. I can't talk to anyone without their well intention advice. I just need to unload without knowing how crazy I really am right now. I can't talk to my boyfriend either - as he has frozen me out and may be dating someone else right now. Ha, I know!!!!
First, to my friends, I am okay. Well, I am okay as I always have been. I have been in this place for a few years but have not said anything out loud. I know this heartache sounds new and you want me to stop hurting...be the strong person I appear. Here's the thing...I choose to be where I am. (I blame no one for where I am now). I made the decisions that led to these consequences. I am a smart person and I can save the world, but I cannot save myself or stop loving Derek. He's not answering any of my contact so maybe his rejection will force me to heal with time. Seeing him happy with someone who is not me may cause me to understand that to me, I lost the love of my life. I have seen her picture and while I am not envious of her looks because she looks like every other girl, but it hurts nonetheless.
I am fat - a lot due to laziness and eating bad things - but I am heavy. I am not the girl who ever gets noticed by my looks - I am not the kind girl guys want to show off to people. I am not the smartest, and no longer am as successful as I thought I would be. I have a mental illness - anxiety - that I will always have to deal with. I would probably have a better life if I didn't live in books and TV shows to block out bad things. (Yeah, I sure know how to sell myself). She is all the things that I am not - in Derek's opinion. What I do have...is a personality unlike anyone else, I can make friends no matter the situation and everyone wants me on their useless trivia team. I know more about actual books than most librarians. I will always look young, and have great eyebrows and eyes. My pride never gets in the way of trying to earn a living (or much of anything)- and I always work hard. And, my anxiety well it makes me a great person with details (organization is definitely forte). There are many things I would change about myself except my parents (good or bad they have been there the best they can), my friends (I'm not always reliable because of my anxiety but they are always there) and my hope (of the world will always be better).
What I would change in a heartbeat is my gullibility and getting attached. I trusted Derek with my heart and everything really. I don't know if he has been honest with this other girl, but I'm not sure where she would think he went all this time he was with me. I don't blame her for any of this because only Derek can make his decisions. All is fair in love and war, it's said so maybe I should get over it and move on.
My maternal grandmother married my grandfather without much choice. I know they loved and respected one another. They had seven children they choose to parent together. My grandfather died when my mom was still a young girl. My grandmother never remarried or had another relationship. She was happy to have found the one and focused on the product of that union. Even with her dementia she would mention him. My parents were married in their teens. My dad couldn't speak Punjabi, and my mom couldn't speak English but they could understand each other's language and communicated well. My mom had no one here and my dad took responsibility for my mom's well-being here. They have gone through horrible times and good times...never giving up on each other. Things are not perfect still...but they work at it because at the end of the day they love each other.
It is with that love that I love Derek. I have choosen to stay with him through everything he has gone through and think he is a strong person. When the first bad thing happened...I thought I can deal with this for him. He has the potential to be such a great man if he thought he could do it and didn't think I was waiting for him to mess up. Although when I hurt I do what to say to push his hurt buttons too. I am not perfect. I know my friends think I deserve better and should move on. But when you find the one and give him the one thing you can only give once to a person - how can you move on? If you love someone how do you find someone else to love? And this may be what I deserve. So, I don't know...I guess Derek (and this other girl) will be deciding my future. I am a survivor, I want the best for everyone, and I have strong views on right and wrong...but when it comes to Derek...well-meaning words will fall on deaf ears... How can everything be okay in your life and the one bad thing drags you down?
I should get to sleep.
k (My Novelesque Life)